An Aside on Contemporary Expressions of Love and Affection

"Social Media As reality

Maybe I'm simply a slow learner, or possibly just a fast forgetter... Sometimes I feel like an old church bell that hasn't been "gonged" by its clapper in a long time.... But, all it takes is about 15 minutes max  to discover that Facebook, LinkedIn and other social media are nothing more than virtual reflections of the real world we live in...  

But is it just me?

I spend more than half my life observing. It's not only a bad habit, it's a tool of my painting and writing trades. That being said, over time I’ve been struck by the inanity of “we the people” devolving... It sounds silly, but... in this first quarter of the 21st century, I began noticing  how intensely connected we are with our dogs and other pets - and how disconnected we are with others within our own species. 

We are so into touching and intensely displaying affection for our four-legged paramours that it has become second to none, as connection-expressions go. We kiss their faces, their paws, their heads. We fondle their furry selves from head to toe,  while they in turn, lick us into submission with the same tongue they use for other things in need of being licked... We hug and coo and talk to them with the deepest of expressed affection - and hold them close... so close..... we wish they could just woof or mew at least once: "thank you, Mommy, thank you Daddy".

At heart, we treat them as the most precious gift we have ever been "owed"............. 

But What's your problem Poulin!!!...? For gawd's sakes! Be real! That's what we do when we encounter those we love the most.... our pets...  those who, first and foremost, do for us what others don't:  i.e.: "meet our needs"....

(So why am I not upset with myself for this cynicism?) Hmmm. Sometimes, I hate being an observer..... But I'd rather be that than a victimless victim.   

Affection's odd-man out...

As pets, children are another matter... (Did I just say that?) In this new and improved era... our connections with them are opposite to those we have with animals. With offspring we prefer being "odd-couple equal" rather than mentor and mentee. We seem to have a deep seeded need  to be pretend chums rather than the adult guides to independence seeking hero worshippers. And yet, oddly again, with our children, having said what I said above, we seem to be more "acceptably" socially and psychologically aggressive... For some time now. we have gone from caressing and hugging to "whacking" our children, "hitting" them with “acceptable” slaps we euphemistically call "high fives". We reach out to our offspring, from toddlerhood onwards with "fists" lifted to “gently” fist-bump. Does the clenched hand not show our hidden agenda?...   

We bump them with our buttocks and hips and create multiple complex incomprehensible finger and hand play side-shows of pseudo warmth... all at a measured physical distance..... which is rather "sickly" entertaining. We've evolved (?) from human hugs, warmly embracing and holding hands - which, in our contemporary mind set, now eerily imply perversion rather than security, loving care or protectiveness...

It's become OK for dogs and cats, I guess. But, "yewwww!" For kids?...

Now, it’s true that not only are we this “cold” with our own. We do  these “more acceptable ways of connecting” with other children and adults too - as if our children, must learn to accept being no more than just "another live thing" to reach out to when need be”. Basically, it's up to our children to realise that they are no more to us than the kid next door. 

Now, I may be wrong... But are we increasingly keeping our children at a distance simply because our connection with them is more of an “obligatory" relationship thing; where our kids are increasingly and simply seen to be temporary objects of responsibility? Ironically our era has chosen to make "our" ego, "our" self more important than our reaching out to the equally recognizable others around us. Are we easing ourselves away to make the goal of eventual total disconnection easier?

Has victimhood and offense replaced empathy, and affection and connection as feelable feelings?

Adults it seems have suddenly rediscovered their inner child and... he is sorely wanting... He feels threatened by any other who might give off vibes of supplanting his uber importance, or nurtured narcissism gone wild. And as that needy child, we find abnormal anything which would threaten our stand, our "self-esteem", our greatness above all others, our need for  exaggerated recognition by others over self-respect. Ironically, this sounds more and more like self-love and less and less as the empathic connective gift of ourselves to others - and the same from others in return. 

Affection, if there be any in our times, seems to have taken on the colours of self-soothing, of self-salving and of meeting our own personal needs or, as we expect it now.... touching as simply sexual rather than sensually necessary to grow into an eventual sense of completeness. 

I ask because even our phones and tablets get more touching and cuddling  and holding and hugging than our children do. We even take all the time in the world to “talk” to our phones... While our children get a sharp: "Stop it! Can't you see I'm busy with my "sweet" Phonie (!) here?" 

Interesting how human connection as a tool of growing, a tool of security and loyalty and trust with our children is universally becoming less and less intimate and more and more... as having less and less to do with deep affection, love, concern, joy, respect and awe... I get the feeling, feeling is ebbing away as a ..... feeling.  

Summation

I write this not as a cynical reflection on our times but as a contemplation on the worrying trend of anxiety, depression and suicidal ideation being “normalized” in age groups we once described as innocent, sweet and dependent on our love...... dependent on their healthy futures being moulded by the watchfulness of caring adults who.... during their growing years of this beginning 21st century, seem to exist less and less in the present and more and more in the safe bosom of the virtual.

All this to say, we have abandoned our children and they know it. We don't yet.... We're too much into our "selves" to notice.